1) if i were a boy-beyonce

2)Better in time-leona lewis

3)How could you say u love me-sarah geronimo

check it out from you tube you’ll know what i mean!

I can’t say i totally moved on but the memories still lingers whatever i do,just have to go thru all of it till it fades i guess! Will just do whatever that i’ve never done in 6 years but it seems i grew up and don’t feel like going back the same path i use to go or do… well at least i’ve let go most of it and now i just felt better..thanks to (M)

I never tot I would end up like this with u! From the day I met u up to now, I might not show the love I have to u but I do. Now I know its not me its u who is lost…don’t know what u want in life?..what u want in a woman? How to be committed? This has been u? its not any other woman’s fault its u! everywhere u go u like the attention u get around the ladies..this is not love u been giving me its all b’cos of GUILT. U ask youself on this…u still want to stray and have excitement like u did when u r with JO.. u are still yourself and nothing’s changed.

U want a woman to be committed to u but what about vise versa? U r like a rooster in a human’s body. I’ve tried to accept wit frustrations but the love never ended. Right up to now, it’s alright I think I’ve made up my mind what I want? Now I can sit and think what I should have in life not u around firstly, I really hope now that one day u will wake from all this and regret what u have done to the woman u’ve been with and has loved u for what u are! What comes around do goes around! U have a good heart but u don’t know how u hurt the woman that really loved U! it would be really hard but I’m willing to go thru all this to make sure I don’t hurt myself and get the love I should have HAD, I can really write a story about u…how a man like u handle relationships but u r one extraordinary! I hope u will taste what we have gone thru with u!

U never felt bad nor show regrets in all your doings. Amazing! U never stop straying not even a year..every single year u have been flirting and tried to fuck with other woman..don’t deny cos I have been keeping quiet all this while even tho I know! All I can do is hoping u will change once u get bored of doing what u have been doing all this while but unfortunately some people just don’t change. I will never understand u cos u r getting worst year by year…doing it all out there wasn’t enough but u had to do it at home..is it exciting to u? the meaning of ruining u isn’t ending you’re your life but to tell the whole world who’s Francis Koh really is? I hope that will stop u from fucking peoples life up like u did to me and the rest! GOD is fair that’s why u have never ending problems in life, the way u r behaving , dragging everything seems to make your life harder! Thank GOD!

16^th nov 2008

U came back , and all u could say was I still care very much but it wasn’t LOVE that I want anymore! U said , r u trying to force me to stay? Well that hurts, all I been doing was trying to force u? I’m hurt so hurt that I can’t go thru this alone! All this while I was only the one that’s been trying to make it happen! We had sex and I don’t know whether it was just what we wanted or just plain sex? Or it’s just me that’s thinking that’s we can patch things up but my heart told me that it won’t happened when u asked R u on pills?my tears rolled down! I just have to face the fact that this is the end for us..its just history.. u said it ended when u walked out, it ended when u had nothing to say!But u said IT MEANT U R WRONG! I just don’t know what’s in your mind!U just have too many lies in u that u don’t know how to turn it anymore! Is it b’cos of your ego that it ended it or its just u who can’t take it that I know so much of u?

Still so many questions unanswered why? I don’t know what u r trying to do to me? Asked u for landlord’s number u said u ‘ll talked to me tomorrow!But u didn’t! I don’t know whats on your mind?

believing this is gonna end and now you giving me hopes again and again!…or is it just me not used to living without you?

19^th nov 2008 1.06am

U maybe right we have too many arguments.. but why? asked yourself?? B’cos of a lie we finally broke up! Amazing right! All other stuffs that happened we could be together for this 6 years lol! It has already ended long time when the day (new years day) YOU STRANGLED ME well I think it’s just me who can’t let it go ! Well all the best I know u can move on but whether it will last on your next relationship I hope you all the best and I do hope yours works for u!…im ok feeling better but I still miss the sight of u..i still care and worry bout u! maybe this is my fate that u will and always be in my life..no matter what I do..i’ll just go with the flow without u in my life. U r the only one that I had to go thru like this,I never lost so much weight b’cos of a breakup. I’ve been naïve never asked u for anything but your love and faithfulness. Maybe this is why it ended? I never asked for more …

21^st nov 2.30am

Trying hard to move on..just when I tot I can u just bounch back into my mind..not that u’re that good but u not that bad either! Just u can’t fuking make up your freaking mind!!

7.30am At last I can sleep without sleeping pills…u maybe right we quarrel way too much..it wasn’t b’cos of caring but possessiveness! All the while I’ve been lost and confused. All I hope and wished I could press rewind to all this..but this u! I’ve tried to get u out my mind but it’s just it’s not easy as each day goes by. Guess u tot this would be easy for me and put all this behind me but whatever I do it reminds me of u. I would have let u go my heart isn’t in it .but why u kept me hanging on?.was I just having empty hopes that u will changed but my prayers wasn’t answered! Maybe God is trying to tell me that’s u r not for me! I hope I can fix myself soon before I give up on myself!.

24^th nov 8pm

I have been trying to put myself to your life but I never be u. I’m just not the person u are!

I just can’t put myself to understand the way u behaved, acted , and carried lies all thru 6 yrs…I cant even do it for 6 months! Are u human? How u sleep? How u actually felt when u were in me? Was I just a bitch that’s around when u needed to fuck?

25^th 12.00am

Just saw your photo posted…looking at your picture makes me wonder is this the guy I fell in loved with and still am? Why? Why are u like this? Why do u handle things like this? Why didn’t I left and ended when u told me bout Jo…why didn’t I leave when I found out about esther? Keep wondering now? Was I hoping that u’ll change in time but unexpectedly it just got worst and at the end I’m the one that’s been asking for all this myself. I should have known this day will come! Just wasn’t aware that u would just be the way u are? U have been like this all your life but why am I complaining now? U made me do crazy things I wouldn’t do…u made me become so hopeless, no life, I just became another person…made me become a bored person..my life has just been U!

2.00am

I have never regretted tho’…even I went through a shit hole but why I can’t answer myself. Was it my fault for allowing u do this? Was it because I loved u more than u have loved me? Was it really love? I’m still confused and I still don’t know what actually went wrong? U ‘ve never gave me flowers , u have never told me our future guess that’s what’s happening now, we didn’t have a future! It wasn’t even planned to be this long didn’t it? U finding all the ways to get rid of me but I stayed! It didn’t even impressed u of changing yourself to be with me! I wasn’t in your future just the present until u r bored!

U ‘ll never understand how I went thru these 6 years and why? Cos u don’t have a heart and maybe u were never taught how to be responsible and dedicated..u might turn out just like your Father sorry to say this but mark my words unless u changed..well very low chances on that but I’ll still pray u will. U are never a bad person in life that’s why I loved u but u’re not the one that is good in relationships, dedicated nor committed. U just don’t know what u want in life or a relationships.. everything u want in a woman changes day by day.. u want a woman to be committed to u but what about u, Can U Commit? I’m a woman without a plan for future , I don’t know myself what I want ,I know I’m lost! I just want my days ,months,year to be happy and that s all.. I have asked people, friends I know, do their the other half have requests…almost everyone said yes! Have I ever ask something from u..only your love ,understanding and commitment but it’s just too hard for u I guess!

A part of me said Let Him Go! Another part of me asked Why? What the hell went wrong? Is it my fault? Am I to blame ? u have put me to a stage that I can’t think sensiblely , can’t think straight? All this while I’ve been waiting for a miracle to happened but it ended with a pain and misery. How could u?

08 dec 08

Thanks for having dinner with me..when I saw your txt me tears just rolled down!! I know I shouldn’t but it did .

13^th dec

.. seeing u daily at home makes me feel better and im alright just by seeing u are ok and I don’t need to worry till u didn’t come back , kinda worried till u txt.

But im glad u did!! Tq.

18^th dec

Well I don’t know why I had to txt u but if I didn’t I can’t go to sleep. There’s just this urge to tell u how I felt! U didn’t reply straight away but u did last night…:o) I smiled!

Been trying to go on with life but it’s just not easy..guess this is just another phase in life.Wondering where did it go wrong?

Sometimes I wonder whats on your mind? Trying to think like you…but I  never can!

Have you sat down and think why all this is happening? Or its just u planned to make this happened? All like repeating by its own.. now I can imagine how Jo felt cos I’m going thru it myself! I don’t know why I still care when you can call me a bitch,slut and dumb ass!! How in the hell did the words came out from your mouth? When you ‘ll know that Too many freaking questions but none answered!

9^th jan 2009

Well I think I can go on now on my own..think I finally can live without you! Tho the missing still exist but I’m still ok and I can handle it better now.

11^th jan

But today im having a very bad feeling…feeling that u r with somebody now..but I also hope that my 6^th sense isn’t rite!

I really need to get myself out of this house asap b4 I get myself hurt again.

15^th jan

Txt u to to tell u I’m moving out..u asked why??? Why? What am I to do here?

Knowing it’s not going anywhere?but u had to asked? And showed concern..am I with someone new it seems u did..would u feel better if I said yes? But I cant seem to this time for the first time im rejecting man!

18^th

As I expected Heard u talking to her,,my hurt broke into pieces..again ,i couldn’t cried out..i know u would find a replacment but NOW?  u still blamed it on me? Not blaming yourself but me! Yes I walked out to breath and I need space to think b4 I hurt myself or u, but u had to repeat what u have been doing all this while..but why do u need to hurt someone that’s been with u for 6 fucking years..i did wrong was it all these while? Did I kill u , your parents or your son that I have to go thru this…I aborted 3 for u and I never blamed u or asked u for any special treatment or did u show concern after that?

What had u been doing can be forgiven but u can’t forgive what I did? I’m on anti-depresssion treatments which are on pills and I don’t know when I can stop taking it and finally start a new.i tot I could!.i said I need to move on and pushing myself to do it , trying to be strong leaving without u and not start with someone like u did..starting with someone and replace me this soon..2 months and u moved on?

Now I know where I stand in your life I’m just a shoe to u ..use it everyday till it’s worned out and replaced it.

I’m not upset u being flirtatious and fooling around..i’m upset that u lied and kept on doing it..showing concern, fucking me and giving me hope! WHY? Have u no feelings if someone did that to u? or it doesn’t matter cos u r a MAN? So what just another bitch in your life? Said u cared but the next thing u do is to hurt someone u care about?

U made me so depressed that I keep on asking myself why I had to forgive u so many times in spite what u did? Again and again!

But I forgive u and u r hurting more and everyday.. this is what I get for being with u 6 years was it nothing to u? u didn’t need time to heal or u just cold hearted that u been using that to waste my life with u?

I cant imagine that a human can be so in-human and it has to be u? the one that I cared,loved and had a life with for all these years…which I could just erase all this if it needs me to knock my fucking head again to forget all this even losing my memory..i’ve been going thru pain for almost 3 months and I tot it will go away but it came back when I was about to recover..now its even worst than the day I left this house. Do I owe u to this extend that u can hurt me this way? Have I never treated u good only u did that u can make me go thru all this? U can tell after what we went thru..and u can do this to me? I went thru 3 abortions did I asked for anything, did I blame u? whether its bleeding and pain I’ve never voiced out.. and now all u can say u are drinking and u don’t want to talk about it when u could talk with a other woman so sweetly.

B’cos she has nothing against you? You see some day I might just be someone that’s losing her mind..you might find out..i don’t need sympathy from you, all I need is being truthful. Have I not trust u..have I ever questioned you? Have I ever controlled u? is this why u became what u are today? For too trusting? I took 4 pills still counting till I’m down… or maybe upgrade to a stronger ones..only if I don’t have to work and I can take all day..do u remember wat u txted me?

1) u slam down the phone & now u want to talk? I’m not talking to anyone! I just don’t want to shout now.(19/10/08)

2) wt the fuck u saying now? I said I’m not talking to anyone! Understand? I didn’t say anyone is b4 u. I just sitting down smoking.

3) Plse come home.(5.32am)

4) I’m sori I lied. Jus come home.(6.26am)

5) It’s not u but me. I’m wrong and I don know wat to say. Dun end it plse.(8.44pm)

6) I only on the phone to sms bassker to wake me up. I off cos I didn’t want to talk yo anyone. Didn’t bring my phone out. Please don leave me.come home stay tonight. Im not here. U don have to see my face at least u can sleep well b4 u go jb. Dear pls

7) Been getting fucking fr u for past half hour and when im quiet means im wrong.

I’M SORRY!

8)U CAN CALL ME A JERK OR WATEVER. ILL STILL LOVE U NO MATTER WHAT U SAY BUT U HAVE SO MUCH HATRED FOR ME TAT I JUST CANT TALK TO U AT THIS MOMENT, I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO SAY.

(25/10)

9)IM NOT TAKIN U 4 GRANTED. RITE NOW I CAN’T THINK I NV WANT TO HURT U. WE’VE BEEN THRU ALL THE BAD TIMES 2GETHER BUT U NEED TO STOP HATING ME.

10) I don care about the room come back and stay if u want.

11) I cant think now pls don be disappointed with me. After all these years I still have the same feelings for u.

Give up? Do as u wish.

Tat’s me now! (This was after having sex with me 2 days)

12) u started this jus remember tat. I’m still alone u dumb ass!

all this in 2 months THIS GUY IS AMAZING!! BUT I SURVIVED AND STILL ALIVE!

a bit upset..protecting a friend from some people are not easy when you care too much! they think you’re b….ing behind thier back..i wonder! Well i gave my heart all out but not appreciated, did i do wrong? never meant that way it was all just to get conclusions but it turn out not right! huh!

Anyhow seeing someone at the office makes me more amazing cos believing someone can actually wear a mask in life! Trying to be someone they are not! Going all the way the somebody! Isn’t it amazing!